I've had Endos for a long time. A long long time. But about two months ago, my endos really took off. I have extreme Ana tendencies, meaning I fit everything except weight and I still have my period. Anyway. What happened to trigger this, and the fact that I know what triggered it is probably weird, is as follows::
One day, my mother was angry with me. She said "You are just going to end up like your father!" (my father is a conman who is currently in jail for money laundering and forgery). I told my mother she was a horrible person for having said that. She hit me and I tried to run. She grabbed my hair and threw me on the floor. I ran into my room and stayed there until dinner. At which point my mother brought me my favorite food (like she does every time she does something like that) in a misled attempt to apologize. My favorite food is/was veggie pizza with ranch on it. So, I was sitting there crying into my pizza feeling disgusting and I realized how nasty it was. So right then and there I threw my pizza out the window. Then, a week later I was with one of my friend who is really skinny and pretty, she said "You would be so pretty if you dropped a few pounds, you know?" and that was the first time anyone had ever said anything negative about my weight to my face (excluding my mother). I'd overheard people saying thing to that effect, but never had I just been told I'd be pretty if I wasn't fat. Then, I decided I wouldn't eat anymore than I had to. I've counted every calorie since.
I've never told anyone that story before. Never told anyone about my mother, my eating disorder, or about any of the times I've overheard people calling me fat.
If my mother doesn't love me, who would?
I have to be as close to perfection as I can get, otherwise I'll never be worth anything.
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