My Decomposing Mind

I just thought I'd type out a few of the things that frequently cross my mind, because I could never say them out loud ::

I'm so scared of getting hurt that I draw these line for myself and others. I make sure I don't cross them and I hope to hell that no one else does, because if I ever let anyone get too close I don't know what I'd do if they decided to leave. I don't know if I could handle feeling anymore alone. The lines box me in, restrict me, but they keep me safe. At least, they keep me safer than anything else does.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to not feeling anything, because that was so much easier. To move through the day like I was walking through oil was so much easier than having to feel every cut. It's so much harder to care. It's so scary to care.

I wake up in the morning and I plaster this smile on my face, but sometimes I wonder if anyone would care if one day I didn't. If I didn't put on this mask, would anyone even notice that I was gone?

Fear is the only thing that keep me going anymore. It keeps me moving forward, because I'm too afraid to fall for anyone. Too afraid to stop moving.  I'm too afraid see if anyone would stop and help me up.

I hate mornings. I never want to get up. I'm just too tired. Too empty. Too alone. And I know getting up won't fix anything. It'll just take away the little bit of warmth my dreams give me.


Control. It's such a simple word. Just seven letters, but it's everything. Control is all I have. I don't have love, happiness, or much hope. Control. It's all I have to cling to.

Silence. It's my best friend and my worst enemy. It keeps me from disappointment. Disappointment when I say something and no one listens. When I scream and no one comes. No one cares. But it also keeps me from screaming in the first place.