I did horrible today and yesterday. For a while I was so proud, I only ate about 400 calories until about ten at night, at which point I ate about 500 calories worth of fat and nastiness. Today, I had 500 calories, which was slightly better, but still nasty. Why can't I just learn to close my god damn fucking mouth!! I'm so annoying. What's wrong with me? I'm so freaking disgusting. I hate myself so much, I con't even say no to food. Food. It's not air, water, or shelter. You don't need more than a little everyday, people survive on a lot less than I want to. I want to lose four pounds every week, when I first started, it worked like that. I understand the starvation mode, but now I can't even lose one pound a week. That's lazy and horrible.
I can't possibly expect anyone to love me when I'm this ugly. When I'm this pathetic that I just can't say no. No one will ever love the fat girl. Ever. Not really, not for everything. I want someone to love me for everything and how can someone love fat that's inches thick?! I can't date anyone until I'm lovely. There, that's another prize. When I get down to 115, then I can date. Not a pound before. Why can't I win?
I really do despise myself. I'm ugly, annoying, fat, and mean.
N.A.S.T.Y.
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