Realization

I was sitting in the kitchen, pigging out on sherbet (Well, about 120 calories worth) and    I though 'You know, you could just stop. stop counting and eat the whole god damn thing" and then I thought "No, Steph, you can't. You can never stop counting." I don't know it was weird...
I always thought once I was good enough I'd stop. Like, if I meet my goal I'll quit. Or, if I look good enough, I'll quit. But I don't think I can. My feeling are mixed about that... like t's good I can't give up, but at the same time I.. can't stop.. I don't know.
I never thought I would be one of those people that can't physically stop counting, restricting, exercising.
I didn't start out in a group of girls laughing and giggling about how skinny we were going to be. I posted about when I became Ana earlier, and I thought once I was thin my mother would like me again, that I wouldn't remind her of my father anymore, that I would be good enough for her. That I would be good enough for my friends. That I would somehow be good enough for me. But I don't think any of that is really possible.  I will never be good enough. Ever. But that's okay. I'll be a little bit closer to good enough when I'm thin. This song kind of describes me perfectly. I've posted it before, but I'll post it again.