Merry Christmas and Happy Calorie Count!

So the past two days have gone very well calorie wise. Well, my net calorie counts have been very good. Mondays was 275 and today was 300. Mind you, this is combined with exercise. But I have dropped two pounds so I figure it's working! See, when I said the scale said I weighed 124 the other day I said it skeptically and I was right to be skeptical. Later that fat it told me I was back at 129. So anyway, my losing two pounds has put me at 127. This was agreed on by two different scales, so I'm believing it. If any of you have an Instagram you can follow me @mydecompsingmind102. Thank you dears and I hope you had a jolly Christmas. Jolly? What. What is that word? Oh well. JOLLY!

Charlie From Lost

You know how Charlie from Lost was addicted to Herion? And how he carets around the Virgin Mary statue with all the drugs in it, even after he quit? I didn't get it when I first watched it, but I totally do now. Having the option makes you want it less. Or at least that's how it is for me. Like the Razors, if I have them I don't want to cut as much as I would if I didn't. And the fact that I know it's an option makes me not do something else. When my mother took my razors before, I nearly killed myself. But when I got them back I didn't cut right away, and only when I would have done something much more drastic. I totally understand it. To have it, it makes you feel better.

My Plan

So today I had 3 candy cane Hersey's kisses, which means seventy three calories and I am about to have some soup that comes to a total of 125 calories. So with both that is 198 calories. I plan on cleaning (2cal/min) and dancing (4cal/min). Which total, I should be able to burn about 200 calories. If I clean for an hour and dance for about twenty minutes, which isn't even hard. Maybe I'll burn more. But what I do know is that if I am not in the negative today I will be so very miserable. I think I can because I ate so much yesterday, restricting won't be as hard. Wish me luck, and stay skinny my dears!!!

God. Why can't I do anything right?

So. I told you earlier that I have next to no gag reflex and I'm pretty sure the one time I did throw up it was a fluke because I already didn't feel good. I've been binging all week. My weekly average is 1117 calories. Oh my god. My average is normally 600-750. A full 300 calories over where I normally am. Today I had 1599 not including exercise. I feel really disgusting because my stomach is so full. But I can't get it to come up. I barely cough when I stick my fingers down my throat. I hate myself. Im going to be even more whale like in the morning. I don't want to wake up because I'll have gained weight and I can't bear it, since I'm pretty such my scale was off this morning. Saying I was a full six pounds less than where I was two days ago. I wish it had been right though. I can't eat tomorrow. I can't. Not if I want an ounce of self respect. The reason I've been bingeing so much is because I'm going into online school and I feel very unmotivated yo look good for my stuffed animals. But j have to remember that I have a date on Monday. Or at least I probably do. He asked me, but I haven't said yes, yet. W'ell see how fat I am tomorrow. I really want to go, though. He's do sweet. I've mentioned him before. But I can't go if I don't lose at least some weight. Im too nervous when people touch me. I went to the fair with him and I ended up freaking out because I felt so fat. Then I was watching a movie with him and felt disgusting the entire time. I really have to lose some weight before I can enjoy anything. I've attached a picture of me in one of my favorite outfits. I look so fat. God. Ew. Really. I'm so very nasty. Like I said, I need to lose weight.

Chocolate.

It might as well be the devil. It's completely disgusting and calories filled. The fat content is astronomical. And it's totally addicting. I really really want to quit eating it, but it's so hard. I'm going to go clean my room. Two calories per minute, dearies.

Reasons For Thin (Part II)

If you haven't read my previous entries, I have a post where I have 80 reasons for thin. I have decided to make a follow-up post on that subject. If I repeat some, I apologize. 

1. To never have to worry if clothes make you look fat.
2. To dance in front of people without feeling horrible
3. To not feel ashamed about your weight
4. To not feel the need to lie about your weight
5. To look in the mirror without disgust
6. To wear shorts
7. Dresses
8. To feel like you're not wasting money on pretty clothes
9. The 'Have you lost weight?'question
10. An attractive, un-frumpy bathing suit
11. No more wondering if I'm the fattest one in the room
12. To take pictures 
13. Go running without feeling floppy
14. A flat tummy
15. For my legs not to touch
16. To sit on people's laps without freaking out
17. To feel attractive again
18. To stop obsessing
19. To wear sexy underwear
20. Stop canceling plans because I feel ugly
21. To stop being lazy
22. So I don't embarrass my friends 
23. To wear white
24. So I could have short hair without feeling fat (not that I really want short hair, but still)
25. To be able to kiss someone without feeling like I have to pull away

Thinspration Pictures

Why BMI is Bull.

Reason One)
     It does not take into account muscle mass. So, if you are extremely fit, it will categorize you as over weight. If you have no muscle mass, it will categorize you as underweight. When in both cases you may be a perfectly normal weight.

Reason Two)
     The guy that invented it specifically said it was not meant to be used as a healthy-or-not measurement. Just to categorize the population for counting

Reason Three)
    Does not take into account bone mass, either. Think about it. We all know people that have really large bones, and some with very small bones. Does the formula know the difference? It does not.

Amounts Of Calories

Did you know that each gram of a certain substance has a certain calories count. Each gram of Fat has 9 calories. Each gram of protein has 4 calories, carbohydrates also carry 4 calories each. Alcohol (Just straight alcohol mind you) has 7 calories. That means that if you ate something with 2 grams of fat, 7 grams of carbohydrates, and 3 grams of protein, that would mean you ate 58 calories. That's how you get calories counts. You add all those properties together.

I'm Back (Again)

Hello Dearies,

     Sorry I've been gone so long. I've been dealing with a lot as of late. I'm going into online schooling, which I am not looking forward to. I currently weigh 123.5, which I'm not really sure how that happened because I stopping losing weight for a long time. Actually I gained back six pounds, so I was back up to 135. But then about a week and half ago I finally got back down to 129. I was stuck at that weight until two days ago. I didn't weigh myself for a day and when I weighed myself today, I was 123.5. So yay. Except I don't quite believe it. I keep stepping on and off the scale. I took off all my clothes, but I stayed 123.5. I was very confused. But you know, whatever.
     So I started dancing again since I last talked to you guys. Ballet, or my version of it. Maybe that's where the extra weight coming off has come from.
     I also started attempting to throw up, but I rarely manage because my gag-reflex isn't up to par. It takes forever to throw up anything. I hate it, it's a lot easier than not eating, but I like the hungry feeling better.
    I've been eating horridly disgusting amounts of food lately. I ate into the thousands the past two days. I'm just freaking nasty!
    I just wanna be pretty. My goal weight is still 102 lbs. I'm twenty one pounds away. I've lost 23 lbs. So I'm a bit more than halfway there.
    I have a friend who is losing weight because he started running track. It's terrifying. I mean, he was overweight (slightly), so he had weight to lose, but still. With my history the thought of someone close to me losing weight so fast (He's lost like 25 pounds) makes me worry. I'm scared he'll end up like me. I don't want anyone to end up like me.
    I've decided that I'm not pro-ana (Well, I made that directive awhile ago). But that just means I don't want anyone to end up like me and I won't be giving out advice, but I'll still make tip posts and what not because this place is more for me than anyone. I'd still post even if I had no viewers.   Though I hope to get my following back, since I'm starting to post again.
     The reason I haven't been on lately is because of Tumblr. I'm addicted. But I figure now that I'm starting online school, I'm going to have much more free time.
     I'm going to post a thinspiration post soon. Please feel free to comment. 

Just a Thought

You know, the people you really fall in love with... the ones that you can't imagine being without, the ones who are always there... I don't think you ever really know it at first. I mean, I do believe that a few people do experience 'love at first sight' but for the rest of us.. I think the people we never expected are the ones that we need the most.
I mean, one day you meet this person and, in your mind, they're kinda unremarkable. I mean, nice enough sure, but still you don't really know them. Then you become friends with them, maybe even good friends. But suddenly, you realize... you've fallen for them. Maybe you're sitting in a car, washing dishes, listening to them play guitar... but it just hits you that you were so stupid not to see it before. That you need them. That if they left, you couldn't really go on living quite right. You don't really remember the first day you met them, or all the things you've said to them, but you love them. You don't really expect it, maybe even never imagined it. But your best friend.. becomes the love your life. They creep up on you and before you know.. you love them and there's nothing you can do about it.

Ugh. Failure.

So the liquid fast did not go well. At all. I ate cereal and other shit...so yeah. Although, I have something to do this Friday that I really want to be pretty for. I'm going somewhere with this guy I really like, although we're going as 'friends', I still want to look perfect. So, as Cassie would say 'I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely.' I WILL be lovely. So that means, eating very little. You guys think I can lose two pounds in five days? Well, if you don't, too bad. Because I fucking will. I'll run for hours if I have to. I'll do this. I'll be just a little prettier by then.
I WIIL. So starting now, I'm fasting. I need a buddy though. I'll go to tumblr for that.

I'm here, I swear!

Sorry guys, I've been really busy but I'm still here! I'm going to start posting more often again, too. So anyway, I'll update you on somethings. I'm currently weighing in at 130, which is still a disgustingly huge number, but I suppose it's better than where I started. Sixteen pounds just seems like such a small number...so insignificant. I hate that. I want to weigh 102 pounds so badly...I want it more than anything...well almost anything. Except him...but that's another post for a another time. Anyway, I'm starting a two day liquid fast. Having just coffee, tea, water, and yogurt. Wish me luck! I'm trying to keep it below 300 calories on both days. Well, we'll see, right?

129

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. I didn't get to tell you guys as it happened, because I was gone all weekend, but....I now weight 129.5. Ahhhhh!!!! I was beginning to think I'd never go below 130. I was so close to being completely hopeless. But I did it. I cracked it. 129.5! It's such a pretty number. I may be in love with it! Granted, it's not that far below, but still. It is. That's so...amazing...gosh. I'm so happy.

Daily Needs and Information about Starvation Mode

Age: 16
Height: 5 feet, 5 inches
Weight: 132 pounds
Activity Level: Moderate Exercise (Exercise 3-5x/wk)
Gender: female
Calories needed to maintain your current weight: 2250
Calories needed to lose weight: 1500 - 1750
Calories needed to gain weight: 2750 - 3000 

That's what a calorie calculator site said. I could eat 1500 calories a day and still lose weight? I think not. I'm tempted to try it though. If I could get 'healthy' and still lose weight...maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But that's scary. I don't think I could do it. I eat an average of about 750 calories per day (averaged over the last few months) and doubling that intake? God..that's horrifying. I feel like such a failure, though. I can't even starve myself right. I can't even be anorexic right. Everyone else that does this is soo thin. All skin and bones...I just need that so much. I need to disappear. I NEED to. Even if that's not logical. I'm trying to exercise more, because I realized that the only exercise I get is walking around school and walking to and from the bus stop. Granted, walking to and from the bus stop is a mile in and of itself, so I walk at least two miles everyday. And I do all the heavy lifting around here, so I count it as moderate. Plus sports every Monday through NJROTC..but I haven't been exercising purposefully. 

Also, I was reading up on starvation mode today. I found out that as long as you have fat stores to rely on, your body will keep using those. BUT you have to eat good, protein and nutrient rich foods for this to work. Which means salads and fruit and none of the bad shit. But I've also found that it drops metabolism, which means your daily calories burned goes down. But I read that it only drops down to 900-1400 so if you are eating below that constantly, I don't see why you wouldn't still lose weight. As long as your calorie deficit is the same amount in both cases. So say you normally burn 14000 calories and it drops to 900. As long as, you eat the same amount below that as you did before, it won't change anything. 

About the muscle loss, all diets cause muscle loss. Healthy diets make you lose 25% muscle and starvation makes you lose 50% muscle  but you can counter act that by doing strength training.

I Told Him

So, there's been a lot of other stuff going on but long story short I kissed my ex and told him about this. Well, I told him about how many calories I eat and stuff..not all the gory details..you know what I mean. I told someone. I told someone. I told someone. Someone knows. My EX knows... I don't trust him. What the hell am I thinking... He's going to tell someone else and then everything just going to get fucked. I'm sooooo fucked.

Dinner

So today we went to Cracker Barrel. It didn't turn out as badly as I thought it would. I let myself enjoy their Pumpkin Custard, as my ceremonial first 'fall' food. And I thought that would have a million calories, but it only had 300. So today, I had 1200 calories. Which is still horrible, but it's better than I thought it would be. I have to post my september intakes soon...I'll do that later.

Sex and Drugs

So, I decided to state my views on these topics well,,because I fucking can.
So as for sex. I do think people should be able to have premarital sex without feeling guilty or somehow unclean. I think couple should have sex before getting married. But, I do think there is a line. I don't support people who go out, get drunk, and have sex with random strangers. While I can already see myself actually doing this someday, during one of my many breakdowns. I do not think it is morally right.
As for drugs. No. Just no. Drugs mess up people's lives. End of story. Period. They're horrible and should ...die. I hate them. HATE the motherfuckers. Cocaine, weed, spice, meth, prescription.. whatever. It's all BAD.
BUT there is an exception to my rule. I myself take handfuls of sleeping pills just so I don't have to feel anymore. I don't have any problem with sleeping pills or things that don't change your demeanor and/or state of mind. Sleeping pills make you pass out. Diet pills make you skinny. You get my point. (I am referring to overdosing on said medication - which I do not support either but I can't say I don't do it.)

Difficult

Everything seems so hard. Breathing, thinking, eating, moving. It's all too much. I don't have the energy or the will power to do this anymore. I don't know why I keep doing this. It's like every breath I take ... it just chips off another piece of me. I don't know how there's any of me left. I feel so empty. I feel so very alone.
How can I go through the day like everything is fine, when I just want to die?
How can I smile when all I want to do is sleep?
How can I talk to all those people, keep them fooled, when all I want is to be held.
To be loved. For someone to know - and someone to care.
Why should they care, though? They have their own problems, no one should have to worry about mine. Why should I take away anyone else's smile? But that's all I do. Steal their smiles when ever I want someone to care about me. I just want to tell someone, tell him. My best friend. I just want to tell him. About everything. My father, my anorexia, this weight on my shoulders. But I can't. I have to keep it all in. I don't want to steal his smile. But I just want him to hold me....I just want to feel like someone in the world cares enough to share their warmth with me. I just want to lie with him for a while, talking or in silence. I just want his embrace. Just for a moment. Everything is too hard. It should be easy, I shouldn't feel like this. Like I'm dying. Or I'm already dead. Like I'm beyond feeling anyone's warmth.

Princess Promotion

I got called sexy today. I've gotten other complements  all untrue, but for some reason this one stuck out in my head. This was from a guy I'd never talked to before, and he had nothing to gain by telling me this. This guy I really like called me beautiful a few days ago and just for a moment I let myself think that that might be true. And you know that feeling right before the 'Oh I'm sure he was just saying that' kicks in? That feeling is the best thing in the world. Is that how people feel all the time? Like you're some lowly peasant who suddenly became a princess?  Because I swear, there is no better feeling in the world than those few seconds you actually believe someone who says you're beautiful.

I Love...

Zero (and it feels so good!!)

So today I've had a total of ZERO calories, ZERO fat, and ZERO carbs. Granted, I had a some sodium in my soda, but hey that's ZERO calories, too! I feel so...light. So...floaty. So. Happy. I won't eat a thing. Not today. I have to stay up until eight, then I get to go to sleep. Two of those hours will be spent somewhere I can't eat. So I have to avoid food for a grand total of an hour and a half. How fucking easy. My first day at zero. My lowest intake ever has been 100 calories, so now I can say that I had a day where not one calorie passed my lips...how lovely.

An Interesting Stranger

This morning I got up and went about my normal activities. I took a shower, I got dressed, I did my make up, straightened my hair. I put on my leather jacket and then a met the most intriguing person. She stared back at me when I looked in the mirror, but I didn't know her. Her pale skin almost glowed against the black make up, her copper hair wasn't quite straight, but it fell in waves around her bare shoulders. Her stomach was almost flat, just a little bulge. Her legs were long. Her wrists delicate.  This girl I saw, she was pretty. She looked like someone I'd like to know. But the thing that really caught my attention were her eyes. How dull they looked, how dead. Their color was as bright a blue as the morning sky, but they didn't shine the way they should. Those eyes, they almost looked familiar, but the ones I remembered shone with secrets and happiness, or the semblance of it. Now, they took away all her beauty. They were cold. This girl, I didn't know her. The girl I knew had frizzy hair, a chubby stomach, and would never let her shoulders show. The girl I knew didn't wear make up like that, maybe just a little mascara. The girl I knew - her eyes - they were bright. This girl, she mirrored my movements - she was me. But somehow, in all the fuss, I forgot who I was. I got lost and now this stranger, who I admit is prettier, took my place. She may be prettier, she may get the guys.. but she's not me. I don't know what happened to me. Because the girl in mirror... her eyes are not mine. I've never seen eyes that looked like those. Eyes of someone long dead, yet somehow still moving.

Cracked and Other Hilairously Offensive Sites

For those of you who don't know what Cracked is, you have been severely deprived and  will now love me forever because I introduced you to this amazing awesomeness: http://www.cracked.com

A quote from one of the writers is :"It’s fucking stupid but I’m going to keep doing it, because fuck you."
He was talking about exercise. It makes me start laughing hilariously every time. I read it on his blog http://yearofthefatbastard.tumblr.com/

I'm going to give you links to the best pee-your-pants-laughing articles I've found on cracked. Plus a few of the absolutely-terrifying-because-they're-true articles.
I recommend (As you can tell, I like the horrifiing ones):
http://www.cracked.com/article_19433_the-6-most-horrifying-lies-food-industry-feeding-you.html
http://www.cracked.com/article/161_6-things-your-body-does-every-day-that-science-cant-explain/
http://www.cracked.com/article_19121_7-basic-things-you-wont-believe-youre-all-doing-wrong.html
http://www.cracked.com/article_15816_the-5-most-horrifying-bugs-in-world.html
http://www.cracked.com/article_16241_the-6-most-frequently-quoted-bullsh2At-statistics.html
http://www.cracked.com/article_18415_6-things-your-body-does-every-day-that-can-destroy-you.html
http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/fat-officially-incurable-according-to-science/?wa_user1=2&wa_user2=Science&wa_user3=quickfix&wa_user4=feature_module
http://www.cracked.com/article_19806_the-6-most-terrifying-infections-you-wont-believe-are-real.html
http://www.cracked.com/article_16685_5-bizarre-ways-weather-can-kill-you-without-warning.html


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