Journey To Perfect: October 2012

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Just a Thought

You know, the people you really fall in love with... the ones that you can't imagine being without, the ones who are always there... I don't think you ever really know it at first. I mean, I do believe that a few people do experience 'love at first sight' but for the rest of us.. I think the people we never expected are the ones that we need the most.
I mean, one day you meet this person and, in your mind, they're kinda unremarkable. I mean, nice enough sure, but still you don't really know them. Then you become friends with them, maybe even good friends. But suddenly, you realize... you've fallen for them. Maybe you're sitting in a car, washing dishes, listening to them play guitar... but it just hits you that you were so stupid not to see it before. That you need them. That if they left, you couldn't really go on living quite right. You don't really remember the first day you met them, or all the things you've said to them, but you love them. You don't really expect it, maybe even never imagined it. But your best friend.. becomes the love your life. They creep up on you and before you know.. you love them and there's nothing you can do about it.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Ugh. Failure.

So the liquid fast did not go well. At all. I ate cereal and other shit...so yeah. Although, I have something to do this Friday that I really want to be pretty for. I'm going somewhere with this guy I really like, although we're going as 'friends', I still want to look perfect. So, as Cassie would say 'I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely.' I WILL be lovely. So that means, eating very little. You guys think I can lose two pounds in five days? Well, if you don't, too bad. Because I fucking will. I'll run for hours if I have to. I'll do this. I'll be just a little prettier by then.
I WIIL. So starting now, I'm fasting. I need a buddy though. I'll go to tumblr for that.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'm here, I swear!

Sorry guys, I've been really busy but I'm still here! I'm going to start posting more often again, too. So anyway, I'll update you on somethings. I'm currently weighing in at 130, which is still a disgustingly huge number, but I suppose it's better than where I started. Sixteen pounds just seems like such a small number...so insignificant. I hate that. I want to weigh 102 pounds so badly...I want it more than anything...well almost anything. Except him...but that's another post for a another time. Anyway, I'm starting a two day liquid fast. Having just coffee, tea, water, and yogurt. Wish me luck! I'm trying to keep it below 300 calories on both days. Well, we'll see, right?

Sunday, October 14, 2012

129

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. I didn't get to tell you guys as it happened, because I was gone all weekend, but....I now weight 129.5. Ahhhhh!!!! I was beginning to think I'd never go below 130. I was so close to being completely hopeless. But I did it. I cracked it. 129.5! It's such a pretty number. I may be in love with it! Granted, it's not that far below, but still. It is. That's so...amazing...gosh. I'm so happy.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Daily Needs and Information about Starvation Mode

Age: 16
Height: 5 feet, 5 inches
Weight: 132 pounds
Activity Level: Moderate Exercise (Exercise 3-5x/wk)
Gender: female
Calories needed to maintain your current weight: 2250
Calories needed to lose weight: 1500 - 1750
Calories needed to gain weight: 2750 - 3000

That's what a calorie calculator site said. I could eat 1500 calories a day and still lose weight? I think not. I'm tempted to try it though. If I could get 'healthy' and still lose weight...maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But that's scary. I don't think I could do it. I eat an average of about 750 calories per day (averaged over the last few months) and doubling that intake? God..that's horrifying. I feel like such a failure, though. I can't even starve myself right. I can't even be anorexic right. Everyone else that does this is soo thin. All skin and bones...I just need that so much. I need to disappear. I NEED to. Even if that's not logical. I'm trying to exercise more, because I realized that the only exercise I get is walking around school and walking to and from the bus stop. Granted, walking to and from the bus stop is a mile in and of itself, so I walk at least two miles everyday. And I do all the heavy lifting around here, so I count it as moderate. Plus sports every Monday through NJROTC..but I haven't been exercising purposefully.

Also, I was reading up on starvation mode today. I found out that as long as you have fat stores to rely on, your body will keep using those. BUT you have to eat good, protein and nutrient rich foods for this to work. Which means salads and fruit and none of the bad shit. But I've also found that it drops metabolism, which means your daily calories burned goes down. But I read that it only drops down to 900-1400 so if you are eating below that constantly, I don't see why you wouldn't still lose weight. As long as your calorie deficit is the same amount in both cases. So say you normally burn 14000 calories and it drops to 900. As long as, you eat the same amount below that as you did before, it won't change anything.

About the muscle loss, all diets cause muscle loss. Healthy diets make you lose 25% muscle and starvation makes you lose 50% muscle but you can counter act that by doing strength training.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I Told Him

So, there's been a lot of other stuff going on but long story short I kissed my ex and told him about this. Well, I told him about how many calories I eat and stuff..not all the gory details..you know what I mean. I told someone. I told someone. I told someone. Someone knows. My EX knows... I don't trust him. What the hell am I thinking... He's going to tell someone else and then everything just going to get fucked. I'm sooooo fucked.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Dinner

So today we went to Cracker Barrel. It didn't turn out as badly as I thought it would. I let myself enjoy their Pumpkin Custard, as my ceremonial first 'fall' food. And I thought that would have a million calories, but it only had 300. So today, I had 1200 calories. Which is still horrible, but it's better than I thought it would be. I have to post my september intakes soon...I'll do that later.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Sex and Drugs

So, I decided to state my views on these topics well,,because I fucking can.
So as for sex. I do think people should be able to have premarital sex without feeling guilty or somehow unclean. I think couple should have sex before getting married. But, I do think there is a line. I don't support people who go out, get drunk, and have sex with random strangers. While I can already see myself actually doing this someday, during one of my many breakdowns. I do not think it is morally right.
As for drugs. No. Just no. Drugs mess up people's lives. End of story. Period. They're horrible and should ...die. I hate them. HATE the motherfuckers. Cocaine, weed, spice, meth, prescription.. whatever. It's all BAD.
BUT there is an exception to my rule. I myself take handfuls of sleeping pills just so I don't have to feel anymore. I don't have any problem with sleeping pills or things that don't change your demeanor and/or state of mind. Sleeping pills make you pass out. Diet pills make you skinny. You get my point. (I am referring to overdosing on said medication - which I do not support either but I can't say I don't do it.)

Difficult

Everything seems so hard. Breathing, thinking, eating, moving. It's all too much. I don't have the energy or the will power to do this anymore. I don't know why I keep doing this. It's like every breath I take ... it just chips off another piece of me. I don't know how there's any of me left. I feel so empty. I feel so very alone.
How can I go through the day like everything is fine, when I just want to die?
How can I smile when all I want to do is sleep?
How can I talk to all those people, keep them fooled, when all I want is to be held.
To be loved. For someone to know - and someone to care.
Why should they care, though? They have their own problems, no one should have to worry about mine. Why should I take away anyone else's smile? But that's all I do. Steal their smiles when ever I want someone to care about me. I just want to tell someone, tell him. My best friend. I just want to tell him. About everything. My father, my anorexia, this weight on my shoulders. But I can't. I have to keep it all in. I don't want to steal his smile. But I just want him to hold me....I just want to feel like someone in the world cares enough to share their warmth with me. I just want to lie with him for a while, talking or in silence. I just want his embrace. Just for a moment. Everything is too hard. It should be easy, I shouldn't feel like this. Like I'm dying. Or I'm already dead. Like I'm beyond feeling anyone's warmth.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Princess Promotion

I got called sexy today. I've gotten other complements all untrue, but for some reason this one stuck out in my head. This was from a guy I'd never talked to before, and he had nothing to gain by telling me this. This guy I really like called me beautiful a few days ago and just for a moment I let myself think that that might be true. And you know that feeling right before the 'Oh I'm sure he was just saying that' kicks in? That feeling is the best thing in the world. Is that how people feel all the time? Like you're some lowly peasant who suddenly became a princess? Because I swear, there is no better feeling in the world than those few seconds you actually believe someone who says you're beautiful.

I Love...

Zero (and it feels so good!!)

So today I've had a total of ZERO calories, ZERO fat, and ZERO carbs. Granted, I had a some sodium in my soda, but hey that's ZERO calories, too! I feel so...light. So...floaty. So. Happy. I won't eat a thing. Not today. I have to stay up until eight, then I get to go to sleep. Two of those hours will be spent somewhere I can't eat. So I have to avoid food for a grand total of an hour and a half. How fucking easy. My first day at zero. My lowest intake ever has been 100 calories, so now I can say that I had a day where not one calorie passed my lips...how lovely.

An Interesting Stranger

This morning I got up and went about my normal activities. I took a shower, I got dressed, I did my make up, straightened my hair. I put on my leather jacket and then a met the most intriguing person. She stared back at me when I looked in the mirror, but I didn't know her. Her pale skin almost glowed against the black make up, her copper hair wasn't quite straight, but it fell in waves around her bare shoulders. Her stomach was almost flat, just a little bulge. Her legs were long. Her wrists delicate. This girl I saw, she was pretty. She looked like someone I'd like to know. But the thing that really caught my attention were her eyes. How dull they looked, how dead. Their color was as bright a blue as the morning sky, but they didn't shine the way they should. Those eyes, they almost looked familiar, but the ones I remembered shone with secrets and happiness, or the semblance of it. Now, they took away all her beauty. They were cold. This girl, I didn't know her. The girl I knew had frizzy hair, a chubby stomach, and would never let her shoulders show. The girl I knew didn't wear make up like that, maybe just a little mascara. The girl I knew - her eyes - they were bright. This girl, she mirrored my movements - she was me. But somehow, in all the fuss, I forgot who I was. I got lost and now this stranger, who I admit is prettier, took my place. She may be prettier, she may get the guys.. but she's not me. I don't know what happened to me. Because the girl in mirror... her eyes are not mine. I've never seen eyes that looked like those. Eyes of someone long dead, yet somehow still moving.

Cracked and Other Hilairously Offensive Sites