What is 'enough'?

I'm so scared of committing to anyone. I can dedicate myself to my schedule, I can fill it up and care about that because for one thing I know I have to stop it at some point. I can't possibly be on the high school paper forever, so it's okay. I can't possibly be in drama club forever. I can't possibly sing in chorus forever, so it's okay. It's when I don't know that it'll end that scares me. That maybe I'll never stop loving someone. Maybe I'll never be skinny. Maybe I'll never be worth anything. That's the scary part. The Maybe. I like certainty. Black and White. I study, I get A's. Easy. I want to be skinny, I don't eat. Easy. I don't want heartbreak, I stay away from people I care about.  II don't get too close. I don't get involved. I don't love. That's safe. That's simple. I don't want to get hurt, I don't get close. Black and white.
I'm not sure I know how to care about someone anymore. I've been lied to, betrayed, and hurt by everyone and I don't want to take the chance of that happening again. Of not being good enough for them. Again.
So, when I'm skinny. When I'm thin. When the fat that fogs my mind is gone, maybe I can let myself care. Maybe then someone can love me - I can let them. But until then. I'll keep my distance. I'll study and work and starve. And maybe when I'm smart enough. Thin enough. Close enough to perfect. I'll let myself get close. Unless there is no 'enough'.