What am I Doing?

I find myself asking this question a lot. 'God, what on earth am I doing with my life?'.
I recently became very focused on my grades and education, because I discovered what I wanted to do (as a career) and I know that nothing else will ever be satisfactory as far as getting what I want out of life. I want to be surgeon, and nothing else will do. I'm leaning toward trauma surgery, but that's not definitive. I just have to be a surgeon, and the requires extremely good grades and academic 'bling' for lack of a better word. So, I've been studying and such pretty much constantly. My friends are starting to get angry at me for neglecting them, and I found myself not caring.

Anyway, other than that, I'm not really doing much of anything that most people would find productive, or, in most cases, safe. Like this weekend, I was horseback riding and the rein snapped. I found myself riding some sort of crazy high. Like 'Well if the horse decides it I could die. Like now'. It was such an odd feeling...like some crazy kind of extacy.

Hence my question "What Am I Doing?" because it's certainly not good. I keep doing things to tempt fate, to put myself in danger, to feel anything other than this crippling nothingness, and I can't stop. It's like this hunger for food turned into something else when I refused to sate it. Maybe I'm just going crazy...That's a very real possibility.

On another note, people has suddenly decided to like me - and it's annoying as hell. I have been asked out five times in the past week. The. Past. WEEK. My reaction of wanting to kill people is probably the wrong one, but since when have I been normal? Really, it just makes me sad. I promised myself I wouldn't date until I was 120 at least, and I really want to keep that promise. Sadly, the world has decided I'm not allowed. The one person I want seems not to notice me, but isn't that the way it always works? He's so perfect and I'm so... not. But I'll get him yet (Yeah, you keep up the positive thinking, Steph, it works sooo well.)