Just Another Train.

Of thought that is.
So today, I ate pretty well except for this chicken that I had. But in total I ate about 680 calories, which isn't bad considering I was horse riding for about an hour and half then went running and got on the stationary bike. I feel pretty okay about my calorie intake today, since it was chicken mostly and that have a lot of good things in it.
But for some reason I just feel really sad. Completely hopeless. I got into a fight with my mother again about money again. I should be used to it, but when she goes around threatening suicide it kinda frightens me. Even though I know she's not serious, she has way too much fun yelling at everything she slightly disagrees with. But really, she blames me for everything and it makes me so angry that she can still get to me, that she can still make me cry. I guess when your mother tells you you're useless you're supposed to be upset, but it just...I hate it. Showing emotion openly like that. It's scary. Nothing else gets to me like that.
People can insult me at school (although they learned not to) and I'll just deliver some cutting, sarcastic remark and they don't bother me again. I don't like doing that, being mean, but when someone insults me in a way that actually bothers me, I feel like if I don't do something to strike back they will just do it again. And I guess I'm write, because I'm four weeks into my tenth grade year and I haven't had one mean remark directed my way. Not once. It's good, I guess.
The thing that's kinda scaring me is that I don't like anyone. This may seem silly, but I always like someone. On some level, you know? I always thought people were incapable of not liking someone on some level. I mean romantically, not friendship wise. But I don't. It's odd, and I don't like it. Because as much pain as love and attraction has brought, it was one thing I could count on. People cheat, people die, people change. That's what I've learned, and yet, I've always liked someone. It just felt right to like someone, like that was my form of torture, except in a good way, if that makes sense. But now... feelings aren't coming as easily. They aren't really coming at all. The best way I can think of to describe it is like when you're foot or hand goes numb. You know, you stab it with some sharp object because you can't feel it, or maybe that's just me. Back to my point, it's like that. Like you know you're supposed to feel something, but the feeling doesn't quite reach you. You can just feel a ghost of what it's supposed to feel like. That's exactly how I feel. The only thing that gets through at all is pain, so I find it addicting. That's why hunger is good. The hunger - it eats you slow. It takes away your sanity. Slow and steady you feel like you're disappearing. I suppose hunger for anything eats at you like that, when you let it. It takes your life. It becomes the only thing you can think about. The only thing you can feel. But somehow, that hunger, that pain is addictive. It makes you feel strong, while at the same time it makes you feel weak. Once you taste the hunger, you never want to give it up. Because it makes you whole. Somewhere deep inside it makes you whole, even if it's just for a little while.