Charlie From Lost

You know how Charlie from Lost was addicted to Herion? And how he carets around the Virgin Mary statue with all the drugs in it, even after he quit? I didn't get it when I first watched it, but I totally do now. Having the option makes you want it less. Or at least that's how it is for me. Like the Razors, if I have them I don't want to cut as much as I would if I didn't. And the fact that I know it's an option makes me not do something else. When my mother took my razors before, I nearly killed myself. But when I got them back I didn't cut right away, and only when I would have done something much more drastic. I totally understand it. To have it, it makes you feel better.

Just a Thought

You know, the people you really fall in love with... the ones that you can't imagine being without, the ones who are always there... I don't think you ever really know it at first. I mean, I do believe that a few people do experience 'love at first sight' but for the rest of us.. I think the people we never expected are the ones that we need the most.
I mean, one day you meet this person and, in your mind, they're kinda unremarkable. I mean, nice enough sure, but still you don't really know them. Then you become friends with them, maybe even good friends. But suddenly, you realize... you've fallen for them. Maybe you're sitting in a car, washing dishes, listening to them play guitar... but it just hits you that you were so stupid not to see it before. That you need them. That if they left, you couldn't really go on living quite right. You don't really remember the first day you met them, or all the things you've said to them, but you love them. You don't really expect it, maybe even never imagined it. But your best friend.. becomes the love your life. They creep up on you and before you know.. you love them and there's nothing you can do about it.

Sex and Drugs

So, I decided to state my views on these topics well,,because I fucking can.
So as for sex. I do think people should be able to have premarital sex without feeling guilty or somehow unclean. I think couple should have sex before getting married. But, I do think there is a line. I don't support people who go out, get drunk, and have sex with random strangers. While I can already see myself actually doing this someday, during one of my many breakdowns. I do not think it is morally right.
As for drugs. No. Just no. Drugs mess up people's lives. End of story. Period. They're horrible and should ...die. I hate them. HATE the motherfuckers. Cocaine, weed, spice, meth, prescription.. whatever. It's all BAD.
BUT there is an exception to my rule. I myself take handfuls of sleeping pills just so I don't have to feel anymore. I don't have any problem with sleeping pills or things that don't change your demeanor and/or state of mind. Sleeping pills make you pass out. Diet pills make you skinny. You get my point. (I am referring to overdosing on said medication - which I do not support either but I can't say I don't do it.)

Difficult

Everything seems so hard. Breathing, thinking, eating, moving. It's all too much. I don't have the energy or the will power to do this anymore. I don't know why I keep doing this. It's like every breath I take ... it just chips off another piece of me. I don't know how there's any of me left. I feel so empty. I feel so very alone.
How can I go through the day like everything is fine, when I just want to die?
How can I smile when all I want to do is sleep?
How can I talk to all those people, keep them fooled, when all I want is to be held.
To be loved. For someone to know - and someone to care.
Why should they care, though? They have their own problems, no one should have to worry about mine. Why should I take away anyone else's smile? But that's all I do. Steal their smiles when ever I want someone to care about me. I just want to tell someone, tell him. My best friend. I just want to tell him. About everything. My father, my anorexia, this weight on my shoulders. But I can't. I have to keep it all in. I don't want to steal his smile. But I just want him to hold me....I just want to feel like someone in the world cares enough to share their warmth with me. I just want to lie with him for a while, talking or in silence. I just want his embrace. Just for a moment. Everything is too hard. It should be easy, I shouldn't feel like this. Like I'm dying. Or I'm already dead. Like I'm beyond feeling anyone's warmth.

Princess Promotion

I got called sexy today. I've gotten other complements  all untrue, but for some reason this one stuck out in my head. This was from a guy I'd never talked to before, and he had nothing to gain by telling me this. This guy I really like called me beautiful a few days ago and just for a moment I let myself think that that might be true. And you know that feeling right before the 'Oh I'm sure he was just saying that' kicks in? That feeling is the best thing in the world. Is that how people feel all the time? Like you're some lowly peasant who suddenly became a princess?  Because I swear, there is no better feeling in the world than those few seconds you actually believe someone who says you're beautiful.

I Love...

An Interesting Stranger

This morning I got up and went about my normal activities. I took a shower, I got dressed, I did my make up, straightened my hair. I put on my leather jacket and then a met the most intriguing person. She stared back at me when I looked in the mirror, but I didn't know her. Her pale skin almost glowed against the black make up, her copper hair wasn't quite straight, but it fell in waves around her bare shoulders. Her stomach was almost flat, just a little bulge. Her legs were long. Her wrists delicate.  This girl I saw, she was pretty. She looked like someone I'd like to know. But the thing that really caught my attention were her eyes. How dull they looked, how dead. Their color was as bright a blue as the morning sky, but they didn't shine the way they should. Those eyes, they almost looked familiar, but the ones I remembered shone with secrets and happiness, or the semblance of it. Now, they took away all her beauty. They were cold. This girl, I didn't know her. The girl I knew had frizzy hair, a chubby stomach, and would never let her shoulders show. The girl I knew didn't wear make up like that, maybe just a little mascara. The girl I knew - her eyes - they were bright. This girl, she mirrored my movements - she was me. But somehow, in all the fuss, I forgot who I was. I got lost and now this stranger, who I admit is prettier, took my place. She may be prettier, she may get the guys.. but she's not me. I don't know what happened to me. Because the girl in mirror... her eyes are not mine. I've never seen eyes that looked like those. Eyes of someone long dead, yet somehow still moving.

Personality Disorder Quiz

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Schizoid |||||||||||| 42% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 74% Antisocial |||||||||||| 50% Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74% Histrionic |||| 14% Narcissistic || 10% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Dependent || 10% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||||||| 86%

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Scars

So I decided to talk about my cutting a bit, since I mentioned it a few posts ago.
Two years ago I started cutting, and the funny thing was that I really didn't have a reason. Like, my life kinda sucked, but I didn't have any reason at the time I did it. The genral time period sucked, but the day that I started, nothing specific was wrong. It was just like "Hmm, I want to cut today." and that was that.
I cut on my arm, stupidly and eventually people found out and by extension my mother, because someone told guidance. So, my mother didn't really care all that much. She sent me to a therapist and (of course) she was Christian, which I'm not. I just went a couple of time and then it became a place for my mother to complain about how annoying I was in front of me, so I refused to go and my mother didn't care. She later made me go when she found out I was Pagan. She freaked out when she found out I was Pagan and decided I was destroying my life, but cutting wasn't a big deal. That kinda sums up my mother. She's a racist, selfish pig. She avoids black people, people with dyed hair, people who sound different, Indian people. Basically everyone that looks or talks different than her. She hates people who aren't Christian, which she denys but she hates all my friends that are Buddhist or whatever. In her mind, different is bad. She's what you would call a white supremacist. It's a lovely home life, really.
Anyway, enough about her. So I had to stop outright cutting because she made me stop wearing my jacket for a while and took my razors. Yeah, not shaving for a year was fun. You try wearing nothing but jeans in the south during the summer. =/
I started doing dangerous stuff all the time. I would walk in the 'druggie woods' as I call it at night. I'd play chicken with cars on the highway. I'd jump off roofs and other tall things, basically anything to tempt fate. Then I got my razors back. I was fine for a while, almost a year. Then a friend of mine died, more than a friend. I'd known him for a very long time He was hit by a car while I was on the phone with him. He wasn't driving or anything, he was walking on the side of the road. I blamed myself for a really long time. I was numb for a long time. Then one day I was taking a bath and it all hit me. All the things I hadn't felt for nearly six months hit me. It was horrible. I wanted nothing more than to die. And I tried to. I was fighting it as hard as I could, but I just wanted to die. I was crying and screaming and trying desperately to make myself keep my head above water. But I just kept hearing the car hit over and over again in my mind. My head I slipped under water and I don't know how long I stayed there. I stayed there way past 'I can't breathe.'. The only thing that made me pull my head out of the water was the thought that he wouldn't want to me to do that. So I came up gasping and ran out of the bathroom and into my room. I sat shivering in the corner of my room for hours, just staring at the floor, letting everything roll over me. Every single bad thing that happened for six months, all came crashing down at once. And I rode it out. It was about nine at night when this all started. By the time I got up from the floor it was almost twelve hours later. But I only got up to take a fist full of sleeping pills and pass out. I was out for two days. I went out to the woods a few days later and and ran through all the thorns and it felt so good. but I didn't cut. This happened in January. I only started cutting again recently. So yeah...there's another little story that has contributed to the depressed state I'm in now. That was the only time I out-right tried to kill myself. Everything else I've done, I just did with the possibility in mind that I could die. I never did it in order to die. Just to try to feel something other than pain.

Huh?! Da' hell is this!

Okay. This is somehow not right. Now, this may be TMI for some of you guys, so if you prone to being adverse to TMI do not continue reading, kay?

So you know how when you're anorexic or have endos you normally lose your period? Well, apparently my body didn't get the memo. If I just didn't lose it, you know, this would make sense because I'm still freaking fat. Oh no. My body had to completely turn around the 'normal' thing. So my last period was on the 20th, right? You know what day it is? It's the 12th. Guess what happened today? Yeah. You guessed right.
What the freaking hell is this. This is not okay. I do not want periods that are twenty days apart. Well, technically about seventeen days apart since mine last about three days.
You guys don't even understand how weird this is. Since the first time I got it my period has worked like clockwork. And I realize that anorexia can change your period. But make them closer together? Pretty sure that is not supposed to happen.
Grrrr.... Why do I never make any sense?

Just Another Train.

Of thought that is.
So today, I ate pretty well except for this chicken that I had. But in total I ate about 680 calories, which isn't bad considering I was horse riding for about an hour and half then went running and got on the stationary bike. I feel pretty okay about my calorie intake today, since it was chicken mostly and that have a lot of good things in it.
But for some reason I just feel really sad. Completely hopeless. I got into a fight with my mother again about money again. I should be used to it, but when she goes around threatening suicide it kinda frightens me. Even though I know she's not serious, she has way too much fun yelling at everything she slightly disagrees with. But really, she blames me for everything and it makes me so angry that she can still get to me, that she can still make me cry. I guess when your mother tells you you're useless you're supposed to be upset, but it just...I hate it. Showing emotion openly like that. It's scary. Nothing else gets to me like that.
People can insult me at school (although they learned not to) and I'll just deliver some cutting, sarcastic remark and they don't bother me again. I don't like doing that, being mean, but when someone insults me in a way that actually bothers me, I feel like if I don't do something to strike back they will just do it again. And I guess I'm write, because I'm four weeks into my tenth grade year and I haven't had one mean remark directed my way. Not once. It's good, I guess.
The thing that's kinda scaring me is that I don't like anyone. This may seem silly, but I always like someone. On some level, you know? I always thought people were incapable of not liking someone on some level. I mean romantically, not friendship wise. But I don't. It's odd, and I don't like it. Because as much pain as love and attraction has brought, it was one thing I could count on. People cheat, people die, people change. That's what I've learned, and yet, I've always liked someone. It just felt right to like someone, like that was my form of torture, except in a good way, if that makes sense. But now... feelings aren't coming as easily. They aren't really coming at all. The best way I can think of to describe it is like when you're foot or hand goes numb. You know, you stab it with some sharp object because you can't feel it, or maybe that's just me. Back to my point, it's like that. Like you know you're supposed to feel something, but the feeling doesn't quite reach you. You can just feel a ghost of what it's supposed to feel like. That's exactly how I feel. The only thing that gets through at all is pain, so I find it addicting. That's why hunger is good. The hunger - it eats you slow. It takes away your sanity. Slow and steady you feel like you're disappearing. I suppose hunger for anything eats at you like that, when you let it. It takes your life. It becomes the only thing you can think about. The only thing you can feel. But somehow, that hunger, that pain is addictive. It makes you feel strong, while at the same time it makes you feel weak. Once you taste the hunger, you never want to give it up. Because it makes you whole. Somewhere deep inside it makes you whole, even if it's just for a little while.

What About Me?!

It's a selfish question, I know it is. I shouldn't put myself before others, and I normally don't.
I really hate when people put themselves first, when they focus on the 'what about me', when it's all about what everyone else can do for them.
'When's my turn?''When do I get to?' 'What did I get' 'How did I do?'
All those questions annoy me. They make me angry. I mean, what's wrong with  people who always focus on themselves? Always 'me,me,me,me' all the time. The people that talk about themselves all the time. I mean, on here I do. But that's because it's my blog. It's the one place I can talk about me.

But what I want to know, just this once, is what about me?

What about how I feel, how do I fit in? Why doesn't anyone care about me?! Y'all remember when I listened to all of you? When I got mad at the people who wronged you, loved the people you did. What about when I'm sad. When I want to die? When I just want to cry. What. About. Me?

I know I don't tell people much, I'm not an open person. But are people so dense that they can't see? They just don't notice me..

I just want to know, is anyone listening at all? Does anyone care? Does anyone care about me?

Almost Told and Other Stuff

I almost told this guy I know about Ana today, so glad I didn't. He was saying that he has suicidal thoughts, and I said I did too. He said he had control over them and I said that my kind wasn't something I could have control over, rather that is was control it's self and I said that I never wanted to tell anyone about it and he was just like 'Kay' and that was that. I almost trusted him... God. I'm so stupid. I obviously still haven't learned my lesson. NO ONE FUCKING CARES. Anyway, someone told me I have a cute smile today. Too bad it's fake.
This guy who used to be really mean is being nice to me. According to him I'm his 'secret lover'. Did I mention he's freaking hot? Too bad I can't date until 115. Also, this friend of mine said he liked me a little bit, but was afraid to like me more because he didn't want to lose me as a friend. So sweet. See, this is what happens when you lose 14 pounds. Imagine when I reach my goal! I'll never be pretty, but I can be close.

My Decomposing Mind

I just thought I'd type out a few of the things that frequently cross my mind, because I could never say them out loud ::

I'm so scared of getting hurt that I draw these line for myself and others. I make sure I don't cross them and I hope to hell that no one else does, because if I ever let anyone get too close I don't know what I'd do if they decided to leave. I don't know if I could handle feeling anymore alone. The lines box me in, restrict me, but they keep me safe. At least, they keep me safer than anything else does.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to not feeling anything, because that was so much easier. To move through the day like I was walking through oil was so much easier than having to feel every cut. It's so much harder to care. It's so scary to care.

I wake up in the morning and I plaster this smile on my face, but sometimes I wonder if anyone would care if one day I didn't. If I didn't put on this mask, would anyone even notice that I was gone?

Fear is the only thing that keep me going anymore. It keeps me moving forward, because I'm too afraid to fall for anyone. Too afraid to stop moving.  I'm too afraid see if anyone would stop and help me up.

I hate mornings. I never want to get up. I'm just too tired. Too empty. Too alone. And I know getting up won't fix anything. It'll just take away the little bit of warmth my dreams give me.


Control. It's such a simple word. Just seven letters, but it's everything. Control is all I have. I don't have love, happiness, or much hope. Control. It's all I have to cling to.

Silence. It's my best friend and my worst enemy. It keeps me from disappointment. Disappointment when I say something and no one listens. When I scream and no one comes. No one cares. But it also keeps me from screaming in the first place.

What is 'enough'?

I'm so scared of committing to anyone. I can dedicate myself to my schedule, I can fill it up and care about that because for one thing I know I have to stop it at some point. I can't possibly be on the high school paper forever, so it's okay. I can't possibly be in drama club forever. I can't possibly sing in chorus forever, so it's okay. It's when I don't know that it'll end that scares me. That maybe I'll never stop loving someone. Maybe I'll never be skinny. Maybe I'll never be worth anything. That's the scary part. The Maybe. I like certainty. Black and White. I study, I get A's. Easy. I want to be skinny, I don't eat. Easy. I don't want heartbreak, I stay away from people I care about.  II don't get too close. I don't get involved. I don't love. That's safe. That's simple. I don't want to get hurt, I don't get close. Black and white.
I'm not sure I know how to care about someone anymore. I've been lied to, betrayed, and hurt by everyone and I don't want to take the chance of that happening again. Of not being good enough for them. Again.
So, when I'm skinny. When I'm thin. When the fat that fogs my mind is gone, maybe I can let myself care. Maybe then someone can love me - I can let them. But until then. I'll keep my distance. I'll study and work and starve. And maybe when I'm smart enough. Thin enough. Close enough to perfect. I'll let myself get close. Unless there is no 'enough'.

Realization

I was sitting in the kitchen, pigging out on sherbet (Well, about 120 calories worth) and    I though 'You know, you could just stop. stop counting and eat the whole god damn thing" and then I thought "No, Steph, you can't. You can never stop counting." I don't know it was weird...
I always thought once I was good enough I'd stop. Like, if I meet my goal I'll quit. Or, if I look good enough, I'll quit. But I don't think I can. My feeling are mixed about that... like t's good I can't give up, but at the same time I.. can't stop.. I don't know.
I never thought I would be one of those people that can't physically stop counting, restricting, exercising.
I didn't start out in a group of girls laughing and giggling about how skinny we were going to be. I posted about when I became Ana earlier, and I thought once I was thin my mother would like me again, that I wouldn't remind her of my father anymore, that I would be good enough for her. That I would be good enough for my friends. That I would somehow be good enough for me. But I don't think any of that is really possible.  I will never be good enough. Ever. But that's okay. I'll be a little bit closer to good enough when I'm thin. This song kind of describes me perfectly. I've posted it before, but I'll post it again.

Questions

I found this list of questions on a blog and I felt like answering since there's nobody in real life I can tell most of this to. I'm.. very.. private... so feel special. But this is only because you guys have no idea where I live and who I talk to.

1)   What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

Telling someone how I feel.

2)  Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?

When my friend told my ex that we (my friend and I) were fooling around. We agreed never to talk about it, and he did.
And no I'm not still angry, I just don't trust him at all anymore

3)  You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?

My friend, let's call her Anne. I've spent my whole life protecting her from the world, and while I ultimately failed I still feel the need to protect her, shelter her.

4) You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?

I'm not sure, but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't tell anyone. I would run away from my home and live in my woods. No. I'd be freed. Not because I was going to die, but because I knew I had such a short time that I could do anything. Even leave.

5) You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.

Trust. Because I've never really trusted anyone. Not fully.

6)  You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?

I would save it's life. I can get another job, the dog can't get another life.

7)  Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?

The one I love the most. Even though, they would probably be the same person. If they were separate, the one I love the most.

8)  Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?

Well, this has happened... three times. Once I said that I wanted to stay friends, once I said I liked him, but couldn't go out with him, and the last and most recent time I would have dated him, but he told me the day he was moving. 

9)  Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?

Yes. I'd give anything. Anything to turn around that car, to take his place. Anything for another moment. 

10)  Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

Haha. NO! I'm way too nosy and I read people too easily. I would despise me, because the other me would be able to tell my emotions.

11)  Does love = sex?

Yes. Well, romantic love, obviously. But I don't think Sex = Love, if that makes sense. 
Nor do I think that 'Love = Sex' should be true right away.

12)  Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?

Yes. (Well one because if I was in a 'company' with a cubical I would possibly shoot myself) I doubt, when I'm older, I'll have anyone to provide for for a long time and if I do I can find another job. I know how to live frugal.

13)  When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?

I slapped a guy because he said he wasn't good enough for me. I love him, and I knew I wasn't good enough for him. But anyway, I slapped him and told him he didn't get to decide his worth. Then he kissed me. That was about half a year ago. I'm not a touchy feely person. That was the last time I told anyone in real life anything I cared about.

14)  What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?

That I love them. I doubt I'd say in so many words, unless I was sure he loved me too. 

15)   What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?

My voice. not my speaking voice, I'm normally pretty quite, but my singing voice. I'm not saying I'm particularly good, it's just the only thing that makes me happy. 

16)   Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?

Yesterday. My mother. I lied.

17)   If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?

How about put down every bite of food I've taken?

18)  Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?

No one. Just me and my knife. I wouldn't want anyone else to get hurt...

19)  Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?

Of course!! There would be no reason not to.  Except for the fact I'm not sure I remember CPR....

21)  You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?

I would let my grandmother fall (if she was alive), because the baby could be anyone, could be anything. Could cure cancer, could create peace. My grandmother had her time, she did her miracles. It would be someone else's turn.

22)  Are you old fashioned?

In some senses, and not in others. I insist on good table manners (fork on the left, please) and proper etiquette, but I'm very open minded and I'm Pagan.. so in some senses yes, in some no.

23)  When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?

...I don't expect much from people.. The only time I'm nice to someone to get something is my mother. Because other wise she wouldn't feed me. If I didn't suck up occasionally.

24)  Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?

True love with the guarantee of a broken heart. I have loved and.. I can't image living a whole life without it. Without the feeling that would do anything for that person, anything at all. The butterflies, the trust. It's the best feeling in the world.

25)  If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?

I'd wish to be thin, because other wise I can't accomplish anything. Can't go to medical school, can't join the Medical Corps. Because if you're fat, you can't very well take care of someone else in a battlefield.

Why I'm Ana

I've had Endos for a long time. A long long time. But about two months ago, my endos really took off. I have extreme Ana tendencies, meaning I fit everything except weight and I still have my period. Anyway. What happened to trigger this, and the fact that I know what triggered it is probably weird, is as follows::

One day, my mother was angry with me. She said "You are just going to end up like your father!" (my father is a conman who is currently in jail for money laundering and forgery). I told my mother she was a horrible person for having said that. She hit me and I tried to run. She grabbed my hair and threw me on the floor. I ran into my room and stayed there until dinner. At which point my mother brought me my favorite food (like she does every time she does something like that) in a misled attempt to apologize. My favorite food is/was veggie pizza with ranch on it. So, I was sitting there crying into my pizza feeling disgusting and I realized how nasty it was. So right then and there I threw my pizza out the window. Then, a week later I was with one of my friend who is really skinny and pretty, she said "You would be so pretty if you dropped a few pounds, you know?" and that was the first time anyone had ever said anything negative about my weight to my face (excluding my mother). I'd overheard people saying thing to that effect, but never had I just been told I'd be pretty if I wasn't fat. Then, I decided I wouldn't eat anymore than I had to. I've counted every calorie since.


I've never told anyone that story before. Never told anyone about my mother, my eating disorder, or about any of the times I've overheard people calling me fat.
If my mother doesn't love me, who would?
I have to be as close to perfection as I can get, otherwise I'll never be worth anything.

Depression and Cheating

I did horrible today and yesterday. For a while I was so proud, I only ate about 400 calories until about ten at night, at which point I ate about 500 calories worth of fat and nastiness. Today, I had 500 calories, which was slightly better, but still nasty. Why can't I just learn to close my god damn fucking mouth!! I'm so annoying. What's wrong with me? I'm so freaking disgusting. I hate myself so much, I con't even say no to food. Food. It's not air, water, or shelter. You don't need more than a little everyday, people survive on a lot less than I want to. I want to lose four pounds every week, when I first started, it worked like that. I understand the starvation mode, but now I can't even lose one pound a week. That's lazy and horrible.
I can't possibly expect anyone to love me when I'm this ugly. When I'm this pathetic that I just can't say no. No one will ever love the fat girl. Ever. Not really, not for everything. I want someone to love me for everything and how can someone love fat that's inches thick?! I can't date anyone until I'm lovely. There, that's another prize. When I get down to 115, then I can date. Not a pound before. Why can't I win?
I really do despise myself. I'm ugly, annoying, fat, and mean.
N.A.S.T.Y.

Tattoo

I've always planned on getting a tattoo, maybe multiple tattoos. I'm going to get them in places where other people can't see too well, for work and such, though.
The one place I have to get one if my lower back, and that's the first place I'll get one. I either want it to be Celtic or a fox, so I looked up both and found these:

 

I think I like the second and the fourth the best, but I can't seem to decide between the two. Anyway, this relates to Ana because I decided that I won't get a tattoo until I'm at my highest goal weight, which is 110. I'm not allowed to get one until then, and I have to stay that weight or lower for two weeks. I can't even get a tattoo until I'm eighteen, so I have a few years to drop the pounds, but I  can do something else special if I get down to my goal, but I can't think of anything better than a tattoo I've been wanting all my life.

To most people tattoos are an attempt to fit in, or stick out. A way to rebel or a silly mistake, but not for me. A tattoo would symbolize me finally breaking free. 

Not of my parents, well in the conventional sense. 

It would mean I was finally completely on my own, 

no need to pretend anyone ever really took care of me. 

Getting rid of the illusion I have to create for other people, 

as well as making a new one.

I'm also considering getting a tattoo in either Japanese or Latin, 

saying something to effect of 'I am lost.' or just 'Disappear'. 

But I think I'll just stick to the fox. The fox means cunning, beauty, and most of all trickery or illusion. This is perfect, because I've always been the one to hide my feelings, to lie and say I'm happy or excited even when all I want is to disappear. 

The fox symbolizes my personality, because I've gotten so good at hiding what I'm really feeling, that sometimes I even start to believe it. But that never lasts.

The fox is a goal as well as something I've already become.

It's my ultimate idol, and my motivation. 

Who can say you want to fade, if you look so amazing everyone takes notice?