Merry Christmas and Happy Calorie Count!

So the past two days have gone very well calorie wise. Well, my net calorie counts have been very good. Mondays was 275 and today was 300. Mind you, this is combined with exercise. But I have dropped two pounds so I figure it's working! See, when I said the scale said I weighed 124 the other day I said it skeptically and I was right to be skeptical. Later that fat it told me I was back at 129. So anyway, my losing two pounds has put me at 127. This was agreed on by two different scales, so I'm believing it. If any of you have an Instagram you can follow me @mydecompsingmind102. Thank you dears and I hope you had a jolly Christmas. Jolly? What. What is that word? Oh well. JOLLY!

My Plan

So today I had 3 candy cane Hersey's kisses, which means seventy three calories and I am about to have some soup that comes to a total of 125 calories. So with both that is 198 calories. I plan on cleaning (2cal/min) and dancing (4cal/min). Which total, I should be able to burn about 200 calories. If I clean for an hour and dance for about twenty minutes, which isn't even hard. Maybe I'll burn more. But what I do know is that if I am not in the negative today I will be so very miserable. I think I can because I ate so much yesterday, restricting won't be as hard. Wish me luck, and stay skinny my dears!!!

God. Why can't I do anything right?

So. I told you earlier that I have next to no gag reflex and I'm pretty sure the one time I did throw up it was a fluke because I already didn't feel good. I've been binging all week. My weekly average is 1117 calories. Oh my god. My average is normally 600-750. A full 300 calories over where I normally am. Today I had 1599 not including exercise. I feel really disgusting because my stomach is so full. But I can't get it to come up. I barely cough when I stick my fingers down my throat. I hate myself. Im going to be even more whale like in the morning. I don't want to wake up because I'll have gained weight and I can't bear it, since I'm pretty such my scale was off this morning. Saying I was a full six pounds less than where I was two days ago. I wish it had been right though. I can't eat tomorrow. I can't. Not if I want an ounce of self respect. The reason I've been bingeing so much is because I'm going into online school and I feel very unmotivated yo look good for my stuffed animals. But j have to remember that I have a date on Monday. Or at least I probably do. He asked me, but I haven't said yes, yet. W'ell see how fat I am tomorrow. I really want to go, though. He's do sweet. I've mentioned him before. But I can't go if I don't lose at least some weight. Im too nervous when people touch me. I went to the fair with him and I ended up freaking out because I felt so fat. Then I was watching a movie with him and felt disgusting the entire time. I really have to lose some weight before I can enjoy anything. I've attached a picture of me in one of my favorite outfits. I look so fat. God. Ew. Really. I'm so very nasty. Like I said, I need to lose weight.

Chocolate.

It might as well be the devil. It's completely disgusting and calories filled. The fat content is astronomical. And it's totally addicting. I really really want to quit eating it, but it's so hard. I'm going to go clean my room. Two calories per minute, dearies.

I'm Back (Again)

Hello Dearies,

     Sorry I've been gone so long. I've been dealing with a lot as of late. I'm going into online schooling, which I am not looking forward to. I currently weigh 123.5, which I'm not really sure how that happened because I stopping losing weight for a long time. Actually I gained back six pounds, so I was back up to 135. But then about a week and half ago I finally got back down to 129. I was stuck at that weight until two days ago. I didn't weigh myself for a day and when I weighed myself today, I was 123.5. So yay. Except I don't quite believe it. I keep stepping on and off the scale. I took off all my clothes, but I stayed 123.5. I was very confused. But you know, whatever.
     So I started dancing again since I last talked to you guys. Ballet, or my version of it. Maybe that's where the extra weight coming off has come from.
     I also started attempting to throw up, but I rarely manage because my gag-reflex isn't up to par. It takes forever to throw up anything. I hate it, it's a lot easier than not eating, but I like the hungry feeling better.
    I've been eating horridly disgusting amounts of food lately. I ate into the thousands the past two days. I'm just freaking nasty!
    I just wanna be pretty. My goal weight is still 102 lbs. I'm twenty one pounds away. I've lost 23 lbs. So I'm a bit more than halfway there.
    I have a friend who is losing weight because he started running track. It's terrifying. I mean, he was overweight (slightly), so he had weight to lose, but still. With my history the thought of someone close to me losing weight so fast (He's lost like 25 pounds) makes me worry. I'm scared he'll end up like me. I don't want anyone to end up like me.
    I've decided that I'm not pro-ana (Well, I made that directive awhile ago). But that just means I don't want anyone to end up like me and I won't be giving out advice, but I'll still make tip posts and what not because this place is more for me than anyone. I'd still post even if I had no viewers.   Though I hope to get my following back, since I'm starting to post again.
     The reason I haven't been on lately is because of Tumblr. I'm addicted. But I figure now that I'm starting online school, I'm going to have much more free time.
     I'm going to post a thinspiration post soon. Please feel free to comment. 

Ugh. Failure.

So the liquid fast did not go well. At all. I ate cereal and other shit...so yeah. Although, I have something to do this Friday that I really want to be pretty for. I'm going somewhere with this guy I really like, although we're going as 'friends', I still want to look perfect. So, as Cassie would say 'I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely.' I WILL be lovely. So that means, eating very little. You guys think I can lose two pounds in five days? Well, if you don't, too bad. Because I fucking will. I'll run for hours if I have to. I'll do this. I'll be just a little prettier by then.
I WIIL. So starting now, I'm fasting. I need a buddy though. I'll go to tumblr for that.

129

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. I didn't get to tell you guys as it happened, because I was gone all weekend, but....I now weight 129.5. Ahhhhh!!!! I was beginning to think I'd never go below 130. I was so close to being completely hopeless. But I did it. I cracked it. 129.5! It's such a pretty number. I may be in love with it! Granted, it's not that far below, but still. It is. That's so...amazing...gosh. I'm so happy.

Dinner

So today we went to Cracker Barrel. It didn't turn out as badly as I thought it would. I let myself enjoy their Pumpkin Custard, as my ceremonial first 'fall' food. And I thought that would have a million calories, but it only had 300. So today, I had 1200 calories. Which is still horrible, but it's better than I thought it would be. I have to post my september intakes soon...I'll do that later.

Zero (and it feels so good!!)

So today I've had a total of ZERO calories, ZERO fat, and ZERO carbs. Granted, I had a some sodium in my soda, but hey that's ZERO calories, too! I feel so...light. So...floaty. So. Happy. I won't eat a thing. Not today. I have to stay up until eight, then I get to go to sleep. Two of those hours will be spent somewhere I can't eat. So I have to avoid food for a grand total of an hour and a half. How fucking easy. My first day at zero. My lowest intake ever has been 100 calories, so now I can say that I had a day where not one calorie passed my lips...how lovely.

My Ana Bracelet

Here's the new bracelet I made today. It's got three different shades of red, which is the color for anorexia. I'm hoping to find someone who has one, so I can find a friend through it. I really like it. Does anyone else want to post a picture of theirs?

Carbs and Fat

Starting tomorrow I'm going to start trying eat 20 grams or less of carbs everyday. I'm going to do this for a week, so until next Sunday. If anyone has any suggestions on what to eat, that would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I've decided I want to try and eat 10 grams of fat everyday, and I'm going to be doing this along side the carbs restriction.
If anyone wants to do this with me, you can post a comment and then I'll get back to you. I also am looking for someone to do challenges with, because when Ido them by myself I always forget to keep track.
Let's lose those lbs, lovely!

Diet Pills!!

I might be able to get diet pills, if I can get around explaining to my friend what I need. My friend knows people who get things for minors that they can't buy. You know, cigarettes, alcohol, knives, guns. Whatever. And I'm trying to get my friend to put in touch with this person, but she wants to know what it is I need. Saying that she needs to be able to tell him what I want before she puts me in contact with him, and that I might get a better deal somewhere else, depending on what I want. But I'm trying to get around that. Maybe I'll find another way to get them...whatever. I just really really want some. And I'll get the herbal kind so they don't do too much damage, you know? None of the really strong stuff.

Average Amount of Calories

So I just added all the calories I've eaten since June (God, that took FOREVER) and found the average number of calories I eat per day is 744.1. Which I guess is okay, but I'd like it to be 471.42, because that's what it would be if I followed my planned intake exactly.  I'm nearly three hundred over what I want! It's upsetting. God, and I wonder why I'm fat. You know they consider 900 calories per day a starvation diet. I wonder what 744.1 would be considered...
Anyway, on average the percent of calorie eat is 157% of my goal. So I'm 57% over what I want. Ugh. Such a failure.
On the plus side, I'm eating 37% of what a person on a 2000 calorie diet eats. But I should be at 23%.

102

I just found out that if I meet my goal weight, 102 lbs, I would have a BMI of 17. Exactly 17. So beautiful. I'm so happy it's a whole number. I have 29 more pounds to lose. I currently have a BMI of 21.7. Sorry for such a short entry, but I was so excited it was such a pretty, whole number. 17. 17 17 17 17. Such better than having a decimal.

My Measurements

Okay, well I took my measurements today for the first time in a long time and they are:
Bust: 35
Waist: 28
Hips: 36
And here are some other measurements that I like to take.
Thighs: 18
Wrists: 6
Neck : 13
Shoulders: 39
Ankles: 9

Now, I think that this is really disproportional, but maybe that's just me.  I looked up ideal measurements and they were : 36-26-36. So my boobs are smaller than ideal, my stomach is bigger and my hips are exactly it. My waist for one thing, is freaking huge. My hips could be smaller. Top Model doesn't like models that have 35 or bigger hips. While mine are only an inch over, that inch is everything. I don't want to be a model or anything, but still.
The one part of my body that I absolutely love are my wrists. I love them. They look so delicate and graceful, totally unlike myself. They make me happy.
I read in another place that 36-24-36 is ideal.
Marilyn Monroe's measurements were 36-25-37

One Question

How come I was better at sexy dancing when I was ten pounds heavier? This makes no sense. Why should my dancing skills change. Not only change, but I got better at ballet and worse at hip-hop (sexy dancing). WHY?

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

My freaking god, I did so well yesterday. Well, I would have liked it to be zero, but you know. 100 calories is pretty good. Today, I fucked up royally. I not only ate 934 calories, I gained a pound and a half. I didn't lose anything yesterday. how is that freaking possible? I didn't eat for 24 hours and I didn't even lose half a pound, what the hell? I exercised a lot too. And today... god. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate everything. I'm SOOO FAT!.
133.5 pounds, 60 kilograms, 9.5 stones. Whatever the hell you call it, it's still freaking HUGE. And I'm only 5'5', which makes it worse. I might be able to deal with that number is I was like, 5'10', but I'm not. I'm short and freaking fat. Last night felt so good. 100 calories felt soo good. 934? Not so much. And I'm still so hungry. So I'm off to stuff my face. Because I'm so freaking fat already. I have NO self control. That was something I used to pride myself on, apparently I was freaking WRONG.

My New Goal Weight.

I have found my goal weight. Before it was just between 100 and 115. But now I know exactly what number I want to be. 102. It's such a perfect number. I don't know why I think so, but I just love it. So I decided to look up random shit that pertains to the number.

It is 7.28 stones.
It is 46.2 kilograms
It is 46266.4 grams
It is 1632 ounces

As for stuff that does not pertain to anything having to do with weight:

It is a mathematically semi-perfect number. Meaning, it is equal to the sum of some of it's divisors.
The Empire State Building has 102 floors.
It's a song by the Judds.
On the periodic table, it is the atomic number for Nobelium. Nobelium was discovered in 1957. It is a radioactive and artificial element.
102 Minutes is the name of a book about 9/11
The word mercy is used 102 times in the bible (While I'm not Christian I still found this very interesting, considering the number to me means I can have mercy on myself, once I reach it.)

High Off Empty

Has anyone else experienced this feeling? Like your so empty, so pure that you literally feel high? Like the world is just gliding by and you couldn't care less?

Anyway, on to relevant things. I haven't eaten anything, and I think I can keep it that way. Wouldn't it be amazing to write in zero for the daily calorie intake? Even if it's just once. It would feel .. perfect.
Lunch was sooo hard today. Everyone has really yummy looking food and they were shoving it in my face, but I manged to refuse. Barely. Just Barely. The only thing I've had to drink today was two swallows of green tea, and I think that's why I haven't given in to food yet. But I really should drink something, but I'm scared that will make me want to eat.
I feel so dizzy. And every other second I feel like I might throw up. On the bus today it was 'I'm going to throw up. NO YOU"RE NOT. Yes, I am. NO HE'S RIGHT THERE YOU CAN'T THROW UP. Gonna die gonna die gonna die....' I was feeling sick before the bus, it doesn't help that I get carsick easy. Thankfully, I did not throw up in front of the most attractive person alive.
Woah. It's like the world is moving...and so am I... It's ... weird...
I will not eat today. Not a single calorie. Not a single one. I can do this, it's only five more hours. Or I might take a handful of sleeping pills. That way I can't eat and I'll actually sleep for once. Then I won't eat in the morning and I'll have to wait until lunch to eat anything...I can do this!!

Plan of the Day

So today, I haven't eaten anything yet. (Oh, such an accomplishment, Steph. It's seven in the morning.) So, I can make whatever plans I want!
My goal for the day is 300 calories, and I think I can do it. I have to, because yesterday was horrible. It was so disgusting. I ate about 1000 calories. God. Ew. That just sounds horrid. So today, I have to be really good. I'm going to drink a lot, and eat very little. I have classes until about 12, when lunch rolls around. Which sucks, because everyone is all like 'You should eat this' or 'This tastes so amazing, here eat it' and they shove food at you. I normally end up eating about 200 calories at lunch. Not today. I refuse to fail today. REFUSE. I don't care if I have to run away screaming, I will NOT eat. Then after that I've got classes until three and then I go home. From there I can probably get away with just a light snack. The problem will be stopping after that first bite. That's always my issue. Stopping once I start.

Okay, now on a side note I have to tell you all something that just happened. I missed school yesterday because I felt sick from all the food. Like, I ate the night before and I just felt so disgusting with myself, I couldn't bring myself to go show my fat self to the world. So I lay in bed and felt sorry for myself. So this guy asked me why I was out (like everyone does, and it makes me so pissed off) and I said I was sick. He asked with what and I was just like "Uhhh.. you know...I just... STUFF!" and it was bad. Okay, maybe I was a bit more convincing than that, but you get the idea. I'm so worried someone will catch on...